It was a warm summer evening in Chennai, the humidity was at
its peak and the crowds had gathered at my friend’s house. Calling him a friend
would be a bit of stretch but his interest to consume narcotic substances only
with company was most interesting. My parents always told me to stay away from
smokers and druggies. Alcohol was fine with them, in moderation but drugs were
a no-no. I reached his place on that Friday night with my mind inclined towards
having beers and enjoying the company of friends and strangers alike. Never
touched a narcotic substance until then even though I had been around plenty
who did consume them. After an hour or two and a couple beers down the crowd
was grooving to mellow beats and loud music while I sat on a bean bag relaxed as
one would expect to in a stoner household. But after many political and apolitical
discussions the topic of conversation turned towards why there is a stigma
around the consumption or inhalation of marijuana. I added on saying it isn’t good
for a person’s lungs to which the entire crowd of smokers were riled up and started
spitting out alleged factoids on the benefits of marijuana consumption. It was
most overwhelming but after careful scrutiny of facts I stumbled upon the
conclusion that one can only know what is what if they have done it. As simple
as the phrase, only a thief understands a thief. So, with much contemplation, I
found myself convinced towards disobeying my parents order and request. One
that I would live with decades later only to find myself in a more advantageous
position when analysing people and their personalities.
“Hold here, put your finger here and inhale while I light it
for you” they said. Obediently I followed. A thunderous cough followed by the
urge to regurgitate followed and an almost mind-numbing feeling that had me sitting
back on the chair as the room lit up in laughter. “No longer a weed virgin” one
remarked as I tried to catch my breathe and exhale out the residual smoke. What
followed soon after was a state that i could not recognize. Reality and perception
coincided and time seemingly felt like it slowed down in my mind. A once calm
beating heart was beating faster, or so I felt. I tried to grasp with what is
happening but the more I fought to find myself towards sober reality the more I
found myself lost. Rationale thought was elusive and I kept going in circles of
thought. The balcony looked prettier, the people appeared plain and
conversation seemed more humorous but none of it came close to the way food
felt. The taste of bread, as dry as my sober mind would’ve complained was
suddenly filled with subtle flavors of salt and sweet. “I needed more food” I thought
to myself and as I ate, I could feel my stomach bloat but it was just not
enough. I felt high, for the first time and it lasted a while. I knew where to
go, what to do. Unlike the experiences with alcohol which in stages overwhelmed
me and discombobulated my ability to walk or talk with reason and conviction.
While I did indulge myself in the prohibited, I find myself in a conundrum as to what makes this more illegal than tobacco, a substance known to severely harm the human biology. Upon researching about it, i came across a variety of articles highlighting the pros and the cons. While the pros seemed to outnumber the cons from unregistered and often vague sources, the cons were definitive but lesser in number of reports. One that caught my attention the most is the label "gateway drug". While I spent most of my time contemplating on why it could be a gateway drug, my friends at the time gave me much needed clarity by reminding me how they started off on other narcotic substances. This was my moment of realization and now I understand the nature of regulation and prohibition around it. The worry is not in the type of high or the effects from marijuana itself but from a risk of increased desires to try something greater. Imagine it as a taste you try often, so often that you cant taste it as vividly anymore and now you want to taste something as vividly again. Here begins the trail of an individuals own destruction or creation; where a fine line can be drawn, cross it and it proceeds to denial and self ruination. For those who manage to hold themselves back from reaching the brink, there arises an essential form of character development and in my opinion one most necessary, a character devoid of addictions.
While I did enjoy my youth exposed to the vast possibilities of psychotropic substances, i find myself at the best version of myself in absolute sobriety and for those that say they feel like a smarter or better version of themselves when they are high or drunk have sadly never exposed themselves to their true potential in sobriety. Their fight or flight response had a gateway and that gateway was most likely a drug or alcohol or a cigarette. A question one must ask now, is where do you hold your line or is there a line at all?
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