I am contemplating writing this blog as i do write it but after days and weeks of contemplation i think i have found purpose for this wee blog. I would be turning 25 this year and life seems to be at a standstill with work stagnating and my personal life and relations being strained to new extremes. Maybe in a strange way, i am hoping this article of my little escape to find closure and comfort with familiar faces in unfamiliar places would act as a guide or better yet reassure someone facing the same predicament.
To put a date on where this began, it would be rather difficult but a place i can begin would be from February 14th. I had just arrived back in India, heartbroken from being failed by my employers at tending to and acknowledging the efforts put in by their employees. I had pondered over the conditions for weeks and finally, i am now home. I was exhausted and i needed change but comfort. That is where this begins, on February 14th, when i first returned to India in 2022. The ride back home from COK was a bit more fun and i did find comfort but i was still aloof in thought of what else my job had caused me to do and lose out on. Over the course of the next few days, i began acclimating myself again to being a member of a family household and it was difficult, no-doubt. i did manage it eventually with minor inconsistencies in my behavior ever so often and ever so used to being able to manage my own errands of my own accord. While i did maintain close ties and communique with most of my close friends, despite the lack in frequency, i did try. once people knew I was back, I had friends and family ask me when i would meet and a few others who i offered to come around to meet and travel with. After a month at home and after weeks of contemplating and conversation, I needed my escape and to travel once more alone.
Pain is often obscured, mostly by our own judgement and tolerance for it. we crumble to our own guilt and shortcomings not realizing the oceans we have overcome, only to crumble at the shores. The realization for which came to me a lot later for which i have paid the price with people.
Most of February and march was spent in contemplation and the desire to stand up whilst fighting my demons by my own self, often running away from those stray dogs that do nothing but chase after with no mercy. Thank god for those strays, i finally did get a chance to face them and overcome them, i couldn't have run forever, it seems so stupid on my part to have thought i could outrun my own thoughts and problems. As March came around i had found my strength, piece by piece, day after day to finally find persons I wanted to meet. March 18th, my journey begins, finding a bus to go to Mysore, i coordinate with people i knew from my old university, i get dropped at the stop at night and await my bus. scrolling through my phone, lost in thought of the possibilities ahead. The possibilities, Good? Bad? Will i meet her? Will they be as welcoming as before? Do they still like me? Am i being silly? all these questions pour down as the watch ticks on my hand, as a car passes by every quarter second and a person walks past me, never again to cross paths with me again. Is this a good idea? i think to myself as I, a person who loves to travel, meet, explore and converse finds anxiety in the things i otherwise love doing. maybe i am escaping from my problems. i think to myself, all night long on that rather bumpy and cramped bus, sitting on a lightly cushioned KSRTC bus chair. The bus leaning left and right as it passes the hills through the dark of the night. As dawn breaks, i find comfort of having overcome my thoughts and not having done anything too rash, perhaps a call wouldn't have done harm but why?
I arrive at Mysore, at 10 and find myself looking for a cab to take me to the guest house. The driver, friendly but with visible disinterest towards anything but the money to be made on this drive and his struggles once he reaches home. I cannot help but think, "How do you manage it?". After being dropped off, i am greeted by the guard at the Guest House who takes my number and name and requests a vaccination certificate, the provision of which turns his nature a little warmer. I am guided to my room where to no surprise i am brought back to nostalgic memories of childhood memories of having stayed in government guest houses with seeping walls, dry and cracking wall paints and a smell reminding me of a room freshly painted but not freshly cleaned. It felt like the old homes and with a smile i awaited the arrival of my friends. We spent the day travelling around Mysore, going to the palace and to the shore of the river Cauvery before heading to his place for a light drink. We reminisced at every turn and tale, the laughter's just complimentary to every tales end.
In this moment, i realized that in time, the more things change to a physical sight, the more the feelings behind them stay relatively the same. We only get to witness them with a lot more clarity with time.
Next stop was westward towards the hills and we started early morning. the car booking had been late to arrive so we got food before starting and some fruits on the way. the drive up the hills was made in good time, making stops regularly at peaceful coffee plantations with specialty baked goods and coffee. From one stop to the next, the songs got better and the talk louder. I might even have cracked a few songs in between that got the car singing with me. It was peaceful in all the hustle to get to the next spot on time. Just before we got to Madikeri we made a stop at a elephant reserve where we could only get to by crossing a river by foot. over the shallow rocky barge that cut across the river, we treaded lightly looking back and making sure we have each other in our sight, should someone stumble and fall. Camaraderie at its finest, although i like to believe there were emotions higher at some places more than others. regardless, the elephant enclosure was a beautiful sight even thought the elephants were chained. Was it for the safety of the humans or the elephants, id rather not have to find out.
The final stop was the hillock of Mandalpatti, the car couldn't go from 3kms to the hilltop. A jeep must be acquired and everyone got on the task since the trek up could not be made in time. It was extremely cloudy and humid at the top with the winds stale and refusing to budge to the desires of every one of its visitors that day. Upon our arrival and at the vociferous request for the manifestation of clear view, like Moses and the red sea, the winds struck hard and the clouds cleared as we stood at the highest point on the hilltop. The view cleared by a strong gust that pushed all the clouds and crowd away, unaware of the sights they had just walked back from.
The next day started early with a dawn break getting us moving our bags back to the car and whist there was little to no interaction with the other members at the zostel we tried. so after a light breakfast at the place, started off to one of the pristine coffee estates at Madikeri. The drive took us through patches of sun and shade through the winding and rolling hills of the Western Ghats. Much of my emotions felt like they ran in sync with the twists of the road and a smirk found its way once or twice. We reached the estate a little past noon and found ourselves exploring the place and all its history and architecture. A true marvel left behind by the colonials and maintained well by the estate owners. I fell in love with their study and their drawing room. With newspaper collections, antique artifacts and portraits to books and tools from the 18CE. We had a hefty meal and sat to play cards with the daughters of the estate owners who was most kind and polite. It was a shame indeed to meet her this late into the trip but a pleasure nevertheless.
As the clock split the afternoon into the evenings, we bid our farewell and found ourselves on the drive back to Mysore city. A timeline had to be maintained or we would miss our train. After a 2 hour journey and an arduous expedition to get the car back at the hands of the renters and off we went to the station. A 2nd-class journey by the IRCTC is a must and recommend it to anyone who hasn't done it already.
The train ride was rather smooth and without a hitch, taking the middle berth in a stack of 3x3, i woke up in time to get off at Perumbur station, just short of Chennai central. We took a cab and rushed to the Chengalpattu. I desperately needed food and sleep but now i was in the same city as the one i let go. The thoughts begin to rush in once more. its like i forgot for a second that i had this on my mind the whole time. The first leg of the trip was successful at distracting me but i must try once more. Upon our arrival at the residential block in the area, surrounded by tall towers where i once used to live. a lot of memories rush through me and i embrace them all with all the love i have against all the spite i once felt for the place. I have become who i wanted to be when i was here a few years ago but now i have a plan of who i want to be the next time i come here and i realize that goal now. That being said, my friends left for college and i went out for a walk, i spent the day relatively easy and after a bit of work spent the night with my friends only to come back home and crash dead. Early next day, we planned out our venture, obviously this was to be my last day but i had chosen not to meet a person whom i felt so strongly for. I'm glad i am not meeting her, i remember thinking to myself, "she must be happy and alright not meeting me too." i think to myself as we went out karting that night and then for a dinner at a fancy place. That night, two worlds collided in the most uncanny way. After years of trying to be in the same place and not having that work out, i crossed her at the restaurant. It was strange and im glad i crossed her cause i saw her smile, in person but i knew she was hurting and that was not okay with me. we spoke and left it on a good note. Nothing more would pass through my mind that night and early next morning i left for Hyderabad.
Here begins another escape, I arrive at hyderabad airport a little past 11 and my dear friend and junior Hasan who arrives with a banner quite eye catching. After a few laughs we drive out of the airport campus and head to another friends (Joy) place. She was most kind to host us and after a few meals and a lot of laughter we part ways. i head to his to put my bag down and freshen up. I got a chance to meet Hasan's parents and after interacting with them, his dog Zoro and their guests, we headed for dinner and called it an early night. Early next morning, we took the scooter out on an adventure through to the museum (Salarjung Museum), which by all accounts is one of the single most amazing museum i have even been to. I felt so especially when i was informed that the museum is the collection of a single person. Later, we visited the Char Minar and had tea and biscuits at the oldest place in that area, Nimrah Bakery. The owner greeted us with warmth and gave us a tour of the place and introduced his staff to us. We must've given him a journalist vibe cause we got a lot of biscuits and tea for free. Afterwards we took a few packets of Biryani and headed to Joy's place. Met up with a college senior of mine (Sruche) who offered to drop us after spending time with us. Now the biggest hole in this place was the biryani, the damn biryani that everyone kept talking about, where despite the plan to eat the biryani first, we procrastinated and ended up leaving to go clubbing in a rush. The biryani i couldn't taste to my hearts content was on my mind the whole ride except for the lingering taste of one of them that i had opened hastily. The rest of the night was spent in drinks and talk. I do feel guilty for not being able to give equal attention to the new entrants to the table but i did still enjoy the time i got with the rest. It was a pleasant surprise to see a dear friend of mine, Pankhuri who unfortunately had damaged her leg badly during shooting but she took the effort to come and meet me. Me and Hasan ended up later having to get Joy back to hers and it was too late by then to book a cab so the three of us passed out like idiots. We left back for Hasan's early next morning.
Race day had arrived, Sunday. I came home thinking about the race but more so of how badly i wanted to watch the race with someone i had promised months and years ago. regardless, i brushed aside those thoughts and spent the day with Hasan's parents and with Zoro who seemed quite obsessed with me at this point. Nothing much happened this day but we did manage to get to the venue on time to stream the race and enjoy it over a few drinks. Having no time to think much but react a lot was fun for a change, the repercussions however, always follow. Nevertheless, onward into my last day before heading off to Bangalore.
A lot had passed in this journey and a lot more was learnt. But the hardest lesson that I had to come to terms with was all good things must eventually fall apart and letting go is a part of life that must be embraced for we are our own comfort and everyone else is just a page in that journey, hardly ever a chapter.
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I would like to thank my friends and cousins for having been my strength through this journey, in person and in distance and a lot has gone unsaid but it is in those that the learnings really lie and i hope this article leaves you with an understanding that to learn you must experience and to experience you must take a leap first. It is in our failures that our greatest achievements and learnings arise.
My manifestation power has been mentioned here. 😂
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